Changes

I've always thought of myself as healthy. Though I have had my struggles with weight in recent years, and though I did have that vertigo episode, I have been over all pretty healthy (in my opinion).

I started going to this workout thing a friend invited me to, kinda like bootcamp. They measure you, weigh you and give you numbers like your visceral fat, your "age" (the age your body is, or thinks it is), your body fat %, etc. Yeah, I'm really not that healthy.
According to this machine/test thing, my body thinks I'm in my 40s!!! I'm only 27! This is not ok.
But at the same time, part of me kind of didn't care to make a change. "big deal! I'm not that bad!"

In the past months, starting in August 2013 my body started to tell me I'm doing something wrong.
In august, for some reason, food was not staying down. I was throwing up everything, I had cramps through my abs. I decided to only have liquids and nothing else. It helped, but still was not feeling well. I decided to go to the doctor but they seemed more concerned about other things about my body, rather than what was going on and what my complaint was. As the pain did not go away all together I sough Urgent care, but according to urgent care I needed the Emergency Room! Now I was kinda freaked out! But because I don't have insurance and because I have so many other bills to pay, etc, I decided I would NOT go to the ER and just let the pain go away on it's own. And it did.

A few months later, late November, the pain suddenly started again, only to be relieved by vomiting. I threw up a lot, was in tons of abdominal pain and just couldn't keep food down. I recovered... or at least thought I recovered quickly, but a few days later it happened again.
I dealt with the pain once again, threw up and narrowed it down to gluten (or at least that's what I thought).

A few weeks later, it happened again. So much pain only to be relieved by throwing up. This time it lasted for hours and I though, it's the 3rd time in 3 weeks.... I need help!

(Sometimes I'm too stubborn and proud to admit I need help. )

So I had my husband take me to the Emergency Room, regardless of the cost, I was in pain and unsure of what was wrong with me yet again.

Like always, the ER took a few hours and after tests and ultrasounds and more tests and drugs to ease the pain, they let me go. Apparently I may have gallstones, but definitely have issues with my gallbladder. The ER recommended I get medicine to dissolve the stones or even schedule to remove my gallbladder.

I have never ever had surgery! That sort of scares me.
I guess I'm not as brave as I thought. There's something about not being aware or in control that scares me.

The thing about the ER this time was that my husband was next to me for the most part. I felt safe, I was not scared, was ok to not be in control, was ok not knowing. I felt at peace.
I knew I was going to be fine, though I was in pain, though I was vulnerable.

After all these experiences, I have realized, I need to make changes.
I need to change the way I think about working out, the types of workouts I do, the kind of food I eat, the way I cook, the way I think about doctors, the way I think about insurance, the way I budget, what I budget for. I need to be more open, vulnerable, fearless, willing, caring, soft.

If I were to believe or do New years resolutions, I think that would be it. To change in those ways to better myself.
I am glad I am who I am, but I know I can't stay this way forever, I need to grow and change.